An Interview with Duh Fuz

INTERVIEWERS FROM MUFFLE MAG: Duh Fuz is a bear from Gloria Piper’s novel, Finnegan’s Quest.  He is also known as the terror of Squiggly Wood.  Let us give a warm welcome to Duh Fuz.

Q. (Standing on edge of bear’s nest.)  Duh Fuz, wake up and tell us about yourself.

A. (Jerks awake.)  Hmmph?  What?  Who are you?  What are you doing here?  Go away.

Q. (Nervous laugh)  How can we tell you who we are if you want us to leave?  We’re interviewers from Muffle, here only for a short time, and you’re a fascinating character.  We want to make you famous.

A. (Looking red-eyed, sour-mugged).  Infamous, you mean.  I have a bad reputation, okay?  And well earned because critters, like you, bother me with their demands when all I want to do is eat and sleep.  Go away.

Q. You don’t spend all your time eating and sleeping.  Isn’t it true, you have a special relationship with Squeeze the weasel?

A.  Her?  That slithering fluff?  Yeah, we go back.  We were orphans, and we made a pact to protect each other until we could protect ourselves.  Now that we’re grown, I can do just fine, but Squeeze hangs on like an infected toenail.  True, she massages my neck.  True, she brings me tribute from the other critters, in the form of food.  For that, I look after her from time to time, as it pleases me.  But need her?  Hah!  I’m getting fed up with her little tricks, her manipulating ways.  Now beat it.  (–Growls–)

Q. What’s that?  That noise?

A. Stomach.  I’m always hungry.  I know she gorges on the tribute she’s supposed to bring me.  Calls it her commission.

Q.  She’s just a little weasel, and you’re huge. (–Psst, guys.  Bring the bread, the mayo, the dill pickles.  Yeah, two double-decker half pound burger patties.–) You’re overtowering.  A giant. (–Don’t forget the cheese.–)  Surely, Duh Fuz, even if she gorges, she can’t make a dent in what they bring you.  Don’t you feel guilty, terrorizing Squiggly Wood, forcing tribute from the critters?

A. You’re starting to irritate me.  Leave or I’ll bite your head off.

Q. (–The cheese, guys.  The cheese!–) Easy there.  Just trying to be friendly.  (Quickly slathers mayo on bread, spattering self and others.  Grabs at lettuce and drops part of it.)  In fact we have a parting gift for you—yes, we’ll be leaving soon.

A.  Food?  I can smell it.  Out of charity, I will count to ten.  One, two….

Q. (Puts finishing touches on burger as Duh Fuz counts.)  There you go, friend.

A.  Bring it here.

Q.  Uh…  (Looks at depth of bear’s nest.  Compares size of sandwich to size of bear’s paws and teeth.)

A. (Holds out paw the size of a platter.)  Put it here.

Q.  Uh… (Backs, tosses sandwich, runs.)

A.  Ruff!  (The sound of Duh Fuz catching the sandwich in his jaws.)

Q. (Dripping with sweat, panting but safely away from bear who has returned to his nap.)  Thank you, Duh Fuz, for that wonderful interview.  (–Which one of you guys chose that bear?  Why didn’t you choose the fox, the crow, or even the weasel?–)

%d bloggers like this: